How Old

[plater]

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench

sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I

have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and

then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground

coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me

homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me

for half the afternoon. I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said,

"For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and

then makes love to me until 2:00 AM." I said, "Well, why in the world would

you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the

end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they

accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives

for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at

the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they

carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

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When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the

paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers

delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You

know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow,

"I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I

thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover

rather than the big s**t he always was."

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An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were

standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and

washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find

her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he

would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and

finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform

you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to

the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth

$50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and

re-bait the trap."