bigcumba
22nd December 2005, 21:16
I was watching a pirate DVD last night called 'Constipated'. You wouldn't have seen it-because it hasn't come out yet!!
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A guy walks into a pub and asks for ten tequila shots. "Sorry, mate," the bartender says, "bat that's too much for one go." The guy says, "I just found out that my brother is a homosexual and I'm finding it really hard to deal with," so the bartender says that's OK and that he can have his ten shots of tequila. The next day the very same man walks into the same pub and asks for 20 tequila shots. "Sorry, mate," the bartender says, "but that's too much for one go." The guys says, "I just found out that my son is a homosexual and I'm finding it really hard to deal with," so the bartender says that's OK and that he can have his 20 shots of tequila. The next day the very same man walks into the same pub and asks for 30 tequila shots. The bartender, who's had enough, says to him, "What the hell's the matter - doesn't anyone in your house like pussy?" "Oh yes," the guy replies, "my wife!"
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54362 A.N.Other 1
H.M.Prison
Strangeways
Southall Street
Manchester
Claire Rayner
Breakfast Television
BBC TV
W47 6Bn
Dear Claire
I am a man aged 24 and come from a large family, my name may be familiar to you as my younger brother plays for the English Rugby Team. My older brother is serving life in Broadmoor for multiple rape and driving whilst disqualified. My two sisters had their own business - " THE EROTICA VISITING MASSAGE SERVICE" - but gave it up when they discovered they had lesbian tendencies towards each other.
My mother is a mentally retarded alcoholic and refused to have anything to do with my father after she discovered he is a practising homosexual who has recently contracted AIDS. She is now pregnant by the local ethnic owner who runs our corner shop / off licence , and our doctor told me that her heroin addiction may affect my unborn half-brother.
Whilst in prison, I have been writing to a wonderful girl of my own age, an ex prostitute with six lovely children two of them of mixed race, we are planning to marry when I get out and my syphilis clears up.
But my problem is :-
How can I bring myself to tell her and her family that my brother plays for the English Rugby Team.
Yours sincerely
Concerned - Manchester
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On a tour of Wales, the Pope took a couple of days off his Itinerary to visit the West coast near Aberystwyth on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English Rugby jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Welsh Rugby Shirts roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the
water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Wales and England, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not
true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow.
"He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows nowt about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
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whore 1 says "my hole is so big I can fit my entier fist up there"
whore 2 says "thats bugger all I can fit both my fists up mine"
whore 3 slid down the bar stool
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The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighborhood. As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch. He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison. As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside.
He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside.
She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life. The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed. He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it
She explained, "When I called my husband to tell ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said,
'Screw him, give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea."
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A woman goes into Harrods to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As
she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realises
there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?" He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."
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Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the
differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her
bedroom, and closes the door.
- First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse...
So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
- Ok, now take off my skirt...
And he takes off her skirt.
- Now take off my bra...
Which he does.
- And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.
And when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,
"Now, Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
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A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over
the bar: FREE BEER FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.
Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.
Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightning roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
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Q: 3 old ladies go to watch a baseball game, and they bring a bottle of brandy. Later in the game, the bottle is almost empty. What inning is it, and how are they doing?
A: They are at the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.
Q: What is the medical term for lesbians?
A: Strapadictomy.
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A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a spongebath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her.
They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try.
The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines. No pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
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A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Welshman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Welshman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop." said the Welshman.
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Why parents Drink
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem. He dialled the employee's home phone number and was
greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was somebody with
whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is
that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on
there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated, the
boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
giggle:
"ME."
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What goes:
ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Stevie Wonder answering the iron...
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A blind man goes to a lumber yard and asks the owner if he can have a job.
The owner says, "you're blind, what can you do?"
"Well", says the blind man " I can identify any peice of lumber and tell where it came from by smell."
"Really?" Thought the owner.
"O.K. we'll test you"
The owner get's a couple of employees to get a peice of lumber.
The blind man takes a sniff up alongside the board, and has them flip it over and does the same.
"O.K. this is a peice of pine from the woods of Maine."
"He's right!" The owner exclaimes.
Again the owner has the employees get another peice of wood.
Same way the blind man sniffs the wood.
"Alright, this one is cedar, and came from spain."
"Wow"! The owner clearly impressed, thought he'd throw in a trick.
He get's his wife, The blind man sniffs up and down her...
"Hmm, tough one. O.K. I got it!! It's the door to the bathroom on a tuna boat!!"
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Q. What do all airplanes and 75% of blondes have in common?
A. Black boxes.
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Did you hear how the leper poker game ended?
Everyone threw in their hands.
Did you hear how the leper hockey game ended?
There was a face off in the corner.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
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A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
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Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.
"Father!" she cried, "just wait until you hear this!"
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"
"Well, father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"
"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, " it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"
"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"
"Well, I hit the ceiling, father."
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A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologised. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
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The new nun goes to her first confession.
She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret.
The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."
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2 gay guys on a day out at the zoo, can't help noticing that one of the gorillas has a huge erection. They pause to admire it, & one of them can't resist putting his hand in for a feel. The gorilla grabs him, hauls him in & buggers him senseless until he passes out. His friend goes to visit him the next week in hospital & asks him "Are you hurt?" "Of course I'm hurt!!" cries the queen. "He hasn't phoned... hasn't written.."
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This is actually true...
FBI agents conducted a "search and seizure" at the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital in San Diego, which was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of poring over many rooms of financial records, some sixty FBI agents worked up quite an appetite. The case agent in charge of the investigation called a local pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place:
Agent: Hello. I would like to order nineteen large pizzas and sixty-seven cans of soda.
Pizza man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: To the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital.
Pizza man: To the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza man: And you're over at Southwood?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza man: And everyone at Southwood is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza man: How are you going to pay for this?
Agent: I have my check book right here.
Pizza man: And you are all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right, everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza man: I don't think so.
Click.
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The Request:
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work might expose me to contagious diseases.
The Response....
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative.
In fact, you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety precaution, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will probably retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
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A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process, told him
that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.The husband was in a
rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
he made it plainly obvious to his
wife that he was keying in
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer
replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?". "No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* a 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied
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"Cause you're ugly."
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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:
"So, what's it gonna be?"
To which he replies, "Meow."
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Tickle me Elmo.....
There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you squeeze his tummy. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.
The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2
men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is
so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag
of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday"......
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
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What's this?
:.:: .-. : .::-..: :. .::
-.. :: .: :-. .::-.:..::
-..: :...: .:::-..: :.
.::-.. :.::-..: :. .::-
.. : .. :.::-..: :. .:. .
...
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...
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David Blunkett's resignation...
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The Doctor
You won't laugh?" said Fred
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional.In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers,revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen.It couldn't have been more than the size of a Peanut.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry, "Said the doctor. "I really am..... I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.
Now, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied
---------------------------------
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy -
I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.
-----------------------------------
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A guy walks into a pub and asks for ten tequila shots. "Sorry, mate," the bartender says, "bat that's too much for one go." The guy says, "I just found out that my brother is a homosexual and I'm finding it really hard to deal with," so the bartender says that's OK and that he can have his ten shots of tequila. The next day the very same man walks into the same pub and asks for 20 tequila shots. "Sorry, mate," the bartender says, "but that's too much for one go." The guys says, "I just found out that my son is a homosexual and I'm finding it really hard to deal with," so the bartender says that's OK and that he can have his 20 shots of tequila. The next day the very same man walks into the same pub and asks for 30 tequila shots. The bartender, who's had enough, says to him, "What the hell's the matter - doesn't anyone in your house like pussy?" "Oh yes," the guy replies, "my wife!"
---------------------------------------------------
54362 A.N.Other 1
H.M.Prison
Strangeways
Southall Street
Manchester
Claire Rayner
Breakfast Television
BBC TV
W47 6Bn
Dear Claire
I am a man aged 24 and come from a large family, my name may be familiar to you as my younger brother plays for the English Rugby Team. My older brother is serving life in Broadmoor for multiple rape and driving whilst disqualified. My two sisters had their own business - " THE EROTICA VISITING MASSAGE SERVICE" - but gave it up when they discovered they had lesbian tendencies towards each other.
My mother is a mentally retarded alcoholic and refused to have anything to do with my father after she discovered he is a practising homosexual who has recently contracted AIDS. She is now pregnant by the local ethnic owner who runs our corner shop / off licence , and our doctor told me that her heroin addiction may affect my unborn half-brother.
Whilst in prison, I have been writing to a wonderful girl of my own age, an ex prostitute with six lovely children two of them of mixed race, we are planning to marry when I get out and my syphilis clears up.
But my problem is :-
How can I bring myself to tell her and her family that my brother plays for the English Rugby Team.
Yours sincerely
Concerned - Manchester
---------------------------------------
On a tour of Wales, the Pope took a couple of days off his Itinerary to visit the West coast near Aberystwyth on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English Rugby jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Welsh Rugby Shirts roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the
water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Wales and England, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not
true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow.
"He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows nowt about shark hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
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whore 1 says "my hole is so big I can fit my entier fist up there"
whore 2 says "thats bugger all I can fit both my fists up mine"
whore 3 slid down the bar stool
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The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighborhood. As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch. He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison. As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside.
He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside.
She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life. The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed. He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it
She explained, "When I called my husband to tell ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said,
'Screw him, give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea."
----------------------------------------------------------
A woman goes into Harrods to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb.Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As
she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says. As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realises
there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?" He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."
------------------------------------------
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the
differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her
bedroom, and closes the door.
- First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse...
So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
- Ok, now take off my skirt...
And he takes off her skirt.
- Now take off my bra...
Which he does.
- And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.
And when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,
"Now, Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
-----------------------------------------------
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over
the bar: FREE BEER FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.
Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and they get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.
Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightning roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
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Q: 3 old ladies go to watch a baseball game, and they bring a bottle of brandy. Later in the game, the bottle is almost empty. What inning is it, and how are they doing?
A: They are at the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.
Q: What is the medical term for lesbians?
A: Strapadictomy.
-------------------------------------------
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a spongebath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her.
They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try.
The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines. No pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
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A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Welshman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Welshman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop." said the Welshman.
----------------------------------------------
Why parents Drink
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem. He dialled the employee's home phone number and was
greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was somebody with
whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is
that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on
there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated, the
boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
giggle:
"ME."
------------------------------------
What goes:
ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Stevie Wonder answering the iron...
------------------------------------
A blind man goes to a lumber yard and asks the owner if he can have a job.
The owner says, "you're blind, what can you do?"
"Well", says the blind man " I can identify any peice of lumber and tell where it came from by smell."
"Really?" Thought the owner.
"O.K. we'll test you"
The owner get's a couple of employees to get a peice of lumber.
The blind man takes a sniff up alongside the board, and has them flip it over and does the same.
"O.K. this is a peice of pine from the woods of Maine."
"He's right!" The owner exclaimes.
Again the owner has the employees get another peice of wood.
Same way the blind man sniffs the wood.
"Alright, this one is cedar, and came from spain."
"Wow"! The owner clearly impressed, thought he'd throw in a trick.
He get's his wife, The blind man sniffs up and down her...
"Hmm, tough one. O.K. I got it!! It's the door to the bathroom on a tuna boat!!"
---------------------------------------
Q. What do all airplanes and 75% of blondes have in common?
A. Black boxes.
--------------------------------------
Did you hear how the leper poker game ended?
Everyone threw in their hands.
Did you hear how the leper hockey game ended?
There was a face off in the corner.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
-----------------------------------------
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
---------------------------------------
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.
"Father!" she cried, "just wait until you hear this!"
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"
"Well, father" the nun began, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"
"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, " it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"
"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"
"Well, I hit the ceiling, father."
-------------------------------------
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologised. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
-------------------------------------------
The new nun goes to her first confession.
She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret.
The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."
-----------------------------------------
2 gay guys on a day out at the zoo, can't help noticing that one of the gorillas has a huge erection. They pause to admire it, & one of them can't resist putting his hand in for a feel. The gorilla grabs him, hauls him in & buggers him senseless until he passes out. His friend goes to visit him the next week in hospital & asks him "Are you hurt?" "Of course I'm hurt!!" cries the queen. "He hasn't phoned... hasn't written.."
-------------------------------------------
This is actually true...
FBI agents conducted a "search and seizure" at the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital in San Diego, which was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of poring over many rooms of financial records, some sixty FBI agents worked up quite an appetite. The case agent in charge of the investigation called a local pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place:
Agent: Hello. I would like to order nineteen large pizzas and sixty-seven cans of soda.
Pizza man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: To the Southwood Psychiatric Hospital.
Pizza man: To the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza man: And you're over at Southwood?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza man: And everyone at Southwood is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza man: How are you going to pay for this?
Agent: I have my check book right here.
Pizza man: And you are all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right, everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza man: I don't think so.
Click.
-------------------------------------
The Request:
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work might expose me to contagious diseases.
The Response....
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative.
In fact, you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety precaution, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will probably retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
---------------------------------------
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process, told him
that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.The husband was in a
rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
he made it plainly obvious to his
wife that he was keying in
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer
replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
---------------------------------------
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap... and stay for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?". "No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."
-------------------------------------
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* a 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied
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"Cause you're ugly."
-----------------------------------
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:
"So, what's it gonna be?"
To which he replies, "Meow."
------------------------------------------
Tickle me Elmo.....
There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you squeeze his tummy. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.
The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2
men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is
so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag
of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday"......
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
----------------------------------------------
What's this?
:.:: .-. : .::-..: :. .::
-.. :: .: :-. .::-.:..::
-..: :...: .:::-..: :.
.::-.. :.::-..: :. .::-
.. : .. :.::-..: :. .:. .
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
David Blunkett's resignation...
--------------------------------------
The Doctor
You won't laugh?" said Fred
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional.In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers,revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen.It couldn't have been more than the size of a Peanut.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry, "Said the doctor. "I really am..... I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.
Now, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied
---------------------------------
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy -
I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.
-----------------------------------