if your into carp fishing
found this on a fishing forum and thought it was brilliant.
Today the carp world is mourning the passing of the carp fishing legend Nobby the Knobbler*.
Nobby was found floating belly-up in the margins of a secret syndicate lake this Monday and weighed in at 325lb 12oz – well above the British record. The cause of death in uncertain, but it is rumoured that Nobby may have had a heart attack after finding himself tethered to a braided rig that he had just cast out and had thus over-exerted himself trying to reach the steaming vindaloo in his bivvy.
Scandalous rumours circulating on the internet that he was found in possession of large quantities of pole lubricant and an unusually shaped black spod rocket ‘about his person’ have been vehemently denied.
Nobby was a model angler – he rarely moved, he smelt of glue and many of the smaller parts did not quite fit. He will be remembered for his many nighttime vigils at all the ‘in’ venues of the carp world. Although he never did anything for anyone else, caught anything of note or was even basically sanitary, he was a legend in his own cesspit. Just to be in Nobby’s presence was too much for many carpers, and many a dedicated carp angler has been reduced to tears within just a few minutes with Nobby.
Several well-known tackle companies have clubbed together to purchase a new bin liner for the venue where he was found, but unfortunately none of the resident carpers knew what is was (despite the company branding), so it was left adorning the nearest hawthorn bush as a tribute.
Nobby will be laid to rest in the middle of Wraysbury reservoir in the traditional manner. A large dingy containing his remains will be rowed out to a featureless gravel patch in the middle of the night and then his remains will be dumped along with a good helping of pellet and boilies from his main bait sponsor.
The original plan, to suspend Nobby by his ankles using 1000lb braid from a nearby tree, whereby ensuring a steady trickle of maggots into the margins was decided against since the water has a strict no pre-baiting policy.
Afterwards a small wake is to be held on the bank near Nobby’s favourite peg “the cr@phole’. Anglers are invited to leave there own marks of respect at the temporary shrine (a Lidl bag full of rubbish hanging from the tree) that was been left by wellwishers. Please feel free to defecate, urinate, belch, fart and litter the peg as you see fit – it’s what Nobby would have liked.
Nobby leaves a wife, two teenage boys (one of whom he spoke to once) & 50kg of mouldy 12mm halibut pellets in the shed. Offers are invited for the pellets.
*Name changed to prevent the inevitable liable case
I have an impressive bank of knowledge and experience. Unfortunately, I've lost the combination to this bank.
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