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Thread: the get your coat thread

  1. #1

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    the get your coat thread

    you all now what this is for don't you, all those jokes you know you shouldn't post but you can't resist so the more discerning amongst us can avoid them.

    I have an impressive bank of knowledge and experience. Unfortunately, I've lost the combination to this bank.


  2. #2

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    i'll start it off.

    Chap goes into his local indian corner shop but instead of the old man its a youth behind the counter
    [man] 20 bensons please
    [youth]i give short back and sides saab
    [man] no 20 bensons
    [youth]i give crew cut saab
    [man]just 20 bensons
    [youth]perm and blow dry
    With that the man walks out of the shop the little old shop keeper comes running after the man "saab saab sorry saab its my nephew he just got here from india he can only speak HAIRDOO

    i'm allready putting it on :D

    I have an impressive bank of knowledge and experience. Unfortunately, I've lost the combination to this bank.


  3. #3

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    Was feeling ill yesterday and having a bit of trouble "going"
    I went to the doctors, and on examining me he pulled a lettuce leaf from my behind.
    I thanked him and asked if it was anything serious.
    He said he was sorry, but this was just the tip of the iceberg.






    Pass me mine whilst you're there Piggy.

    It's hard to have a battle of wits when your opponent is unarmed.


  4. #4

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    What do you call a dog with metal testicles dragging on the floor?


    Sparky.

    I have an impressive bank of knowledge and experience. Unfortunately, I've lost the combination to this bank.


  5. #5

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    What did batman say to Robin before he got in the car?

    Get in the car Robin.................

    LEICESTER 4 EVER!!!!!!


  6. #6
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    What do they do with all the bicycles after the Tour De France?




    They Re-Cycle them.

    Tada gan iarracht


  7. #7
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    What's the difference between an elephant and a strawberry ?

    One's grey and one's red.

    What did Hannibal's wife say when she saw the elephants coming over the Alps ?

    Here come the strawberries ..... she was colour blind !

    *** Please do not adjust your mind, there is a fault in reality ***


  8. #8

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    Quote Originally Posted by scaaty View Post
    What's the difference between an elephant and a strawberry ?

    One's grey and one's red.

    What did Hannibal's wife say when she saw the elephants coming over the Alps ?

    Here come the strawberries ..... she was colour blind !
    what did hannibal say when he saw the elephants coming over the alps? [clue: he wasn't colour blind]

    here come the elephants.


    what did hannibal say when he saw the elephants coming over the alps wearing dark glasses?

    nothing, he didn't recognise them.

    how do you know when elephants have been making love in your garden?

    the bin liners gone missing.

    I have an impressive bank of knowledge and experience. Unfortunately, I've lost the combination to this bank.


  9. #9

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    I bought my mother in law a rocket for her birthday.
























    She was over the moon.:)

    It's hard to have a battle of wits when your opponent is unarmed.


  10. #10

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    Two little old ladies standing looking in at a jewellers shop.

    "That's the one I'd get" said Mabel - and Cyclops came up and smashed her into the pavement.

    OK, OK - I'm getting it...

    It's hard to have a battle of wits when your opponent is unarmed.


  11. #11

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    I went into a garden centre the other day and saw Alan Titchmarsh planting his seed in a growbag...

    My keyboard's running out of ink....


  12. #12

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    Stevie Wonder's Tokyo gig was packed. To break the ice, he asked if anyone had a request. A little old man shouted, "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Pleased that this man knew of the jazz influence in his music, Stevie played an E minor melody and then improvised a brilliant ten minutes of intricate variations. When he finished, the place went wild. But after the ovation quieted, that same little man again shouted, "No, no! Play a jazz chord!" Irritated, Stevie accepted this challenge and laid down about fifteen minutes of Giant Steps. The crowd went wild again, but the little old man again yelled, "No, no. Play a jazz chord." Angry that this guy doesn't recognize jazz when he hears it, Stevie said to him, "Mister, exactly what are you looking for?" The little old man sang back, "A jazz chord... to say... I ruv you...."

    I have an impressive bank of knowledge and experience. Unfortunately, I've lost the combination to this bank.


  13. #13

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    A recent survey polled that 99% of scousers prefere sex in the shower, the other 1% stated they have never been in prison

    I have an impressive bank of knowledge and experience. Unfortunately, I've lost the combination to this bank.


  14. #14

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    BigC meets Pavarotti's widow:

    "Sorry for your trouble mam, I lost a tenner once and I haven't got over it yet...."



  15. #15

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    I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs

    The Vegster!


    Winner of Ada's Eurovision Game 2014


  16. #16

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    So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly, but I'm no Brad Pitt"

    The Vegster!


    Winner of Ada's Eurovision Game 2014


  17. #17

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    Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch

    The Vegster!


    Winner of Ada's Eurovision Game 2014


  18. #18

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    A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain,they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds,"But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

    The Vegster!


    Winner of Ada's Eurovision Game 2014


  19. #19

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    Before Vegy gets there...

    A woman entered a radio station's pun contest ten times hoping one would win a prize but unfortunately no pun in ten did



  20. #20

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    A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

    Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron! "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

    Ahh, physics humour



  21. #21
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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Because seven ate nine.

    Tada gan iarracht


  22. #22

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    Quote Originally Posted by vegyjones View Post
    Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch



  23. #23

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    What's brown and sticky?
    A stick

    What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
    A carrot



  24. #24
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    What do you call a donkey with a broken leg?
    - A wonky donkey

    What do you call a donkey with a broken leg and a guitar?
    - A honky tonky wonky donky

    Tada gan iarracht


  25. #25
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    What do you call postman pat when he retires?
    - Pat

    Tada gan iarracht


  26. #26

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    What d'you call a nun on a washing machine?
    - Sister Matic

    Please take a look at:
    My Photostream on Flickr



  27. #27

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    What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
    A dinosnore

    What is the fruitiest lesson?
    History, because it's full of dates!

    How do you keep an imbecile happy all his life?
    Tell him a joke
    when he's a baby!

    What cheese is made backwards?
    Edam?

    This match won't light!
    That's funny, it did this morning!

    what do you call a dinosaur with ten eyes?
    a douthinkhesawus

    Why do cowboys ride horses? : Because they are too heavy to carry.

    What do you feed an invisible cat? Evaporated milk

    What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence? Answer: Time to buy a new fence.

    What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Answer: Finding half a worm.

    How many " Surrealists " does it take to change a light bulb ?...A Fish

    What was born to "Succeed"?...A Budgie with a blunt beak

    I slept like a baby last night, woke up with a nappy on!

    Slept like a log, woke up in the fire place

    Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he wanted too!

    Why did the pervert cross the road? He was stuck in the Chicken!

    How do you blind a woman? Put a windsreen in front of her!

    "Doctor, I think I've got trouble with my hearing"!!
    Doctor Replies "What's the Symptoms"??
    "The yellow people on TV".....

    Why do women rub their eyes first thing when getting up?
    No balls to scratch.

    What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
    A stick.

    What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
    A nervous wreck.

    Where do you find a dog with no legs?
    Right where you left him.

    Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
    Because they have big fingers.

    What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
    Dam!

    Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
    Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

    How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
    Marry It!

    I have an impressive bank of knowledge and experience. Unfortunately, I've lost the combination to this bank.


  28. #28

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    This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
    It was a turtle disaster.


    I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin"?
    I said, "No, permanent."


    I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
    I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
    I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

    I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the Packet. 'Best Before End'
    I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
    I said "No, just a watch."


    I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
    The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"


    My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
    I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He Said, "You've got cholera."
    I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember
    His name, it's P something T something R.


    I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't Put it down.
    I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
    The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of Voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."


    I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin Opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
    This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very
    Thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."


    I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
    I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a Skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
    This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"


    I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the Bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

    I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told Me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said, "I careered off the road"

    I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
    I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
    I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
    I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

    I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said, "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"



  29. #29

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    There was a daddy balloon, a mummy balloon and a little boy balloon. The little boy balloon was frightened of the dark and would jump into his parents' bed whenever he became frightened. One evening as his dad was putting him to bed, he said, "Look son, you've got to get over this. Don't be frightened of the dark; the shadows on the wall are just the wind blowing in the trees. Tonight, I want you to sleep in your own bed the whole night through. If you feel frightened just be brave. Stay in your own bed and everything will be all right."



    The little boy balloon went to bed but, inevitably, he woke up in the middle of the night feeling frightened and bounced into his parents' bedroom. Not wishing to disturb them, he very gently got into their bed and tried to snuggle down in between them. However, there was not enough room. He carefully let a little bit of air out of his mum; still no room; he let a little bit of air out of his dad; still no room. Finally, he let quite a bit of air out of himself - and he fitted perfectly in between his mum and dad and fell soundly asleep.

    In the morning, his dad woke up, and seeing the little boy balloon in the bed said,

    "Son, I cannot begin to tell you how disappointed I am.

    You've let me down, you've let your mother down, but most of all, you've let yourself down."

    I have an impressive bank of knowledge and experience. Unfortunately, I've lost the combination to this bank.


  30. #30

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    What do you get when you cross an Elephant with a mouse?
    Bigger holes in the skirting board..........

    Why do Elephants never forget?
    I can't remember I'm not an Elephant........

    The minute you start talking about what you're going to do if you lose, you have lost.
    Got to update this when I have time please be patient ,thank you ,Open Forum...Total Lays......?Total Backs....?Hidden Forum Total Backs....?Total Lays......?


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