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Thread: the get your coat thread

  1. #31

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    If the answer is cock robin whats the question?


    Whats that up my bum batman



  2. #32

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    A man is shipwrecked on a desert island. When he wakes up, he sees the sky has turned purple. He looks around and notices that the palm trees are purple, as is the sea and the beach, too. Then he looks down at his clothes, hair and skin, and they are all purple. "Oh no," he exclaims. "I think I've been marooned."

    I have an impressive bank of knowledge and experience. Unfortunately, I've lost the combination to this bank.


  3. #33

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    Guy asks a priest if he would pray for his hearing and so the priest places one hand on the guy's ear and one on the top of his head and mumbles a few words.

    "How's that?", asks the man of the cloth.

    "Dunno", says the guy, "the hearing's not till Thursday".



  4. #34
    silax's Avatar
    silax is offline Win2Win Racing Club Member

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    2 elephants walk over a clif Boom Boom



  5. #35

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    I walked into B&Q hardware store at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking.






    Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the aggressive old sod out. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky!!
    Pass this warning on .



  6. #36

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    A Stanwell Man, tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, decided to solve both problems by taking out a large Prudential insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side, underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000.
    The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.
    A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
    Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

    The next day in the newspaper,


    The headline declared............




    'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO!



  7. #37

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    LONDON LAWYER VS GLASGOW COP

    A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

    He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.

    He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

    Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

    London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

    Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

    London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

    Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

    London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

    Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

    London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

    Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

    The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

    The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the heck out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'



  8. #38
    Laf's Avatar
    Laf is offline Win2Win Racing Club Member

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    Thought this thread deserved a revival.

    Two fish in a tank...
    ...one says to the other, how do you drive this thing?

    What did the magic tractor do?
    Went down the road and turned into a field.

    A man was taking a walk through the graveyard one morning, when he spotted another man crouched behind a gravestone.
    "Morning!" he shouted.
    The other man responded "No, just having a dump!"

    What's red and smells like blue paint?
    Red paint.

    What's the first sign of Madness?
    Suggs walking up your driveway.

    uʍop ǝpısdn sı pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ʎɯ


  9. #39

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    <LI class=stats>Views: 7,348

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    Filipino UK Filipino Forum | Win2Win Racing - Free Tips


  10. #40

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    I saw a guy run screaming out of the cinema the other day.... it was showing the movie 127 days... turns out the guy was Vanessa Feltz ex husband, and the thought of being trapped in another huge crack was too much for the poor guy.

    My keyboard's running out of ink....


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