please add your own but they must be silly.

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.
I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.
I guessed that makes him a seasoned veteran.

I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.
This one was written in London.

The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.
She hit the roof.

For my birthday my mate dug a hole in my garden and filled it with water.
It's not want I wanted, but he meant well.

One of the toddlers on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey.
ICU baby, shaking that ass.

I had this great racing snail.
I took his shell off to reduce weight, but now he's just sluggish

Kieth said we would have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.

I said, "it's fewer arguments".