top tips, some new some classics

[piggy]

Farts stored in a washing up liquid bottle can be ignited and used as an underwater welding torch for those tricky but essential emergency plug chain repairs.

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.

Why Pay £100 for a skip? Buy a clapped out, untaxed car for £25 and fill it with all your rubbish. Then sit back and wait for the authorities to tow it away.

Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.

Gentlemen. Gauge the outside temperature using a 'plumometer'. Open your flies and dangling your plums in front of an open letterbox. If they shrink it is cold outside, if they go baggy it is warm, and if they remain the same size it is the same temperature outside as it is in the house.

Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars, so may as well look like one.

Adventurous lovers. Sprinkle talcum powder on each other's rings, then lie on the floor and fart up in the air to send each other sexy 'bum-smoke signals' across the bedroom.

A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Anglers. Attach a helium balloon to your line and bait the hook with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and 'fish' for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep net, but don't forget to throw the squirrels back into the tree at the end of the day.

Bachelors: Avoid the drudgery of washing up by wrapping your crockery in cling film. After meals simply remove to reveal fresh clean plates.

Cutlery can be wrapped in kitchen foil (unwanted lint in the mouth can be removed by gargling with a magnet).

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first place, you fat b*****ds.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking gibberish and singing all the time.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pi**ed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

King-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars for giants.

Normal-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants. Fun-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.

People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs.

This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make aname plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.

Attempt your own corrective laser eye surgery by removing the back of your CD player and then staring into it whilst it is turned on.

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's , filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

Fatties. Avoid eating between meals by simply allowing yourself 20 meals per day.

Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Avoid being stung by nettles in the garden this year by smearing their leaves with Immac cream.

Save money at Christmas by returning last year's cards to the sender, with the simple inscription "Same to you".

Find out how many of your cat's lives are remaining by hitting it repeatedly with a mallet. The number of strokes required to bring about its demise will correspond with the number of lives that remained.

Transform your garage into a drive-thru restaurant by sitting in your car, lowering your window and demanding that your wife/girlfriend brings you a cup of tea, on roller skates.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Brighten up dull Monday mornings at work by concealing a bottle of vodka in your jacket pocket and taking swigs from it at regular intervals throughout the day.

Pretend your house is a pub by stubbing out cigarettes on the carpet, watering down your cans of beer and kicking your wife out into the garden at 11:30.

Wood stain is a fast and attractive alternative to sun bed treatments

[mathare]