Diary Of A Swine...

[Merlin]

Diary of a Swine...

Monday August 27th – 7.00pm

Plan to start a diary - not sure if I will add to it everyday or even every week - maybe I wont even make another entry at all

But as with most good intentions – which usually start well – often ending in disaster…

Diary of a swine, is gonna be about my daily betting.

I would describe myself as a recreational punter attempting to make a profit, been betting for donkeys years – still at school when I placed my first bet….I have had some very memorable wins – and losses, big losses during the early years – and with hand on heart – I think that from my first bet to the present, the bookie is winning.

This is primarily due to decades of losing – as it is only during the last 10 that I can honestly say I am ahead – but still have losing years…and am not ahead by that much…

Why start a diary?

I honestly cant think of a good reason – if I wrote a reason , it would be spinning…however, it quite probably stems from the fact that this year has been very, very difficult – and none more so than the present…

We have all been there..

Roller coaster profit and loss
Lays winning and bets losing….

Welcome to my world…..

[monty]

If truth be told? you've probably just described 95% of punters. You should have put welcome to the world of betting...

[tophatter]

this should be a good read,

hope you will throw in the odd anecdote and salacious titbit too as well as your battle against the bookies.:)

[Merlin]

this should be a good read,

hope you will throw in the odd anecdote and salacious titbit too as well as your battle against the bookies.:)

Now, would I do that , TH ?…

[Merlin]

Tuesday 28th August @ 12.45am
............................................

Just been browsing other forums, checking to see if it’s me alone who is contributing to the bookmakers spring break of Feb 08.

My worst fears were confirmed – it seems that every barstard is winning – except yours truly!

Something else which amazes me, and infuriates me too, is the spin on some threads. By this I mean posters who post their bets – and have clearly lost – but somehow they claim they have had a winning day……..

I learnt long ago, as in real life, to take forum claims with a pinch of the old salt. Let me relate a true story…

There was a punter who for years used to frequent the Ladbrokes and Coral shops of a city which will remain nameless – anyway, he appeared to be a very successful bettor, always wore sharp, expensive suits, designer hair-cut, Italian hand-made shoes, drove a top of the range BMW – and placed his bets in bundles of tenners. The shop staff loved him, as whenever he had a pull he would bung them a score or more each…

About a year ago, whilst reading the online newspaper relevant to this city, I very nearly fell of my office chair, and actually squirted a mouthful of freshly made coffee all over my brand new monitor – half of which half drowned my QWERTY keyboard…

Splashed over the front page was a photograph of this very successful punter, I recognized him immediately – It transpired that for over 10 years he had been gambling with the savings of clients of a very well known building society.

In his position as an agent for the society, he not only opened new accounts, but took deposits too, in addition to advising on other investments – to cut the chase…..Whilst he was on holiday, the building society sent the head office heavies down, they opened his safe, expecting to find bundles of cash – instead they found a hand-written IOU for over a million quid…..

Sorry to digress, anyway, haven’t sorted any horses out yet – or at least haven’t finalized any for Tuesday…but have been scouting the football bet options, even tried looking for footy bet options in Papua New Guinea league – but what’s a desperate man to do, a man who cant seem to collect, a man who everything he touches turns to dust – I must be the only punter who every morning receives a personal call from Victor Chandler…

¨Merlin, you haven’t placed any bets today, just name your odds guv, your time will come – soon ¨

I need a winning bet, I need to collect today – Liverpool will surely beat Toulouse……wont they?….

[Win2Win]

I need a winning bet, I need to collect today – Liverpool will surely beat Toulouse……wont they?….

If they don't, you're BANNED :D

[Merlin]

If they don't, you're BANNED :D

I hear they are playing Johnny Todd had Anfield tonight…is this a first…:?

PS: Johnny Todd is/was the theme tune for Z Cars…

[sparkyminer]

IF they are, I suggest it might be a tribute to the little boy who was shot in Croxteth, who was an Everton fan.

[scoobydoo]

Nice touch if they are eh....well done Liverpool.

[sparkyminer]

http://www.liverpoolfc.tv/news/drill...70828-0944.htm

[Merlin]

TUESDAY AUGUST 28th @ 12.55pm
..............................

Yesterday I was convinced I was under the command of eveil spirits, quite likely that of a dead bookie..

I googled online exorcism, and came across this great site...

As per instructions, my wife strapped me to a chair and placed me in front of the computer screen, this character appeared calling himself Father Michael O` Caine... with a cockney accent,and a plethora of threats, he banished the demon to the recycle bin.......try it, it
works....

Whilst we are on the subject of priests - here is a true encounter from yesterday...not a physical contact, but a telephone and email thing ...

Just quickly...One day last week one of the Sunday rags contacted me regarding a piece they are running (2 pieces actually) about the late P...Diana - they asked for help in tracing a little girl, who in 1991 was pictured playing with Diana`s neckless - by the way , this is quite a famous picture, some of you are bound to have seen it...

Anyway, after a few days of frenetic searching and networking we manage to kinda locate the girl - who is now a 20 year old woman - living in Sao Paulo...

Here`s the rub - we have to use a catholic priest as a mediator, but he wont tell us where she`s living , but did say he would give us all the information we need providing we give him a monetary donation for his orphanage......no worries...agreed this with the rag....but he then turns round and says we cant interview the girl... ....

I say to him...

¨But father, the girl is central to this, central to your donation,
central to the story¨ ¨It cannot take place without her¨

After a long telephone silence.....he says...

¨OK...I will agree, but only under the condition that I receive the donation up-front that I am present at the interview , and I also set the questions you can ask her ..............

Now call me cynical, mischievous, or whatever you like......but I think it is entirely possible he is hiding something here........

Maybe his mucky fingers have a distinct whiff of tuna..........Hope he dont put sandwichies on....

What about yesterdays bets.....OK...

With thanks to Father Michael O` Caine, the betting day was good...

I layed 7 horses....the second of which won....but the 6 losers more than compensated , showing almost a lay stake profit........and thats going to be my short term objective...1 lay stake profit and I quit for the day.....risking a maximum of 3 stakes.....daily...

I must confess to having had 3 single bets (only small bets) , all of which lost....MY HORSE SINGLES ARE NOW ON HOLD.... I am going to focus on laying and footy betting....

Footy betting....very good day, thanks to the Scousers and a Brazilian Serie B, bet...both obliging giving me a profit of over 6 points....

So, to recap, its laying and footy betting for the short-term.....

Laying , in and out.......out after a point...or losing 3....

Footy betting......no specific strategy other than betting betwwen 1 and 10 points accordingly...

With demons banished.....profit today...and a monkey (and some) off the rag for services rendered...bobs not your uncle, he is mine....

Anyone for tuna sandwiches?

[Merlin]

Here are my lays….already on….

Be very, very happy to make a point……will have a chance of doing so even with a winner or 2…….Providing the favourites I have layed get beat….

2.10 MILLFIELDS DREAM
2.20 WOTASHIRTFULL
2.30 DUBAI TIME
2.40 WAR OF THE ROSES
2.40 KATHLEEN KENNET
2.50 NANS LADY
3.00 REDWOOD ROCKS

[Win2Win]

So you want to lay your Nans Lady

[Mug OUFC]

This diary is awesome

If a tad odd :D

[Win2Win]

If a tad odd :D

All seems normal on this forum!

[Merlin]

This diary is awesome

If a tad odd :D

Odd?...odd?.....

.......

[Merlin]

WEDNESDAY AUGUST 29th @ 7.45pm

Things started very well today – layed 7 horses (as posted earlier in the thread) and with only 1 of the nags winning made a lay stake profit…..as near as damn it anyway……

I knew instinctively I was going to have a great start today due to the fact my mother-in-law had given me a birthday present this morning…

I didn’t tell you it was my birthday did I ? – Well actually its not , but let me explain….

Some of you may know that I am married to a Brazilian, and live in Brazil – however, that’s not the point – what is the point , is my mother-in-law, and how she thinks its my birthday today….

When I arrived in Brazil (about 5 years ago) I hadn’t known or realized how fanatically catholic my new mum was – I guess I only realized, when I noticed she spent most of the day in her room fiddling and playing with her rosary beads – if the loop was big enough I swear I would have put it round her neck….

But anyway, her devotion was confirmed the day she threw holy water over me – or rather, at me…..….This was because I had drawn a moustache on her prized picture of the Virgin Mary………(this is true by the way)….

OK – back to the birthday bit……

I was out in a bar one afternoon, dancing in the pavement area (half-cut) with some Brazilian babes – and who should be passing in her car – yes – you guessed it, the mother-in-law………

She asked her driver to stop the car, got out , approached me chanting all stuff in Latin…..……and making the sign of the cross and all that ….. I am unsure whether she did this to protect her or me…but besides this……I had to think on my feet……so I quickly told her it was my birthday……….This was 4 years ago to the day…hence why she thinks today is my birthday…..

My present this morning, for the second time in 4 years was a St Christopher chain…..….. And it is this St Christopher chain which brought me luck this morning…..(I will tell you what happened to the first one she gave me another time…)

However, as I write, something seems to have gone wrong….because my main footy bet has just gone down the pan…..ie: Celtic…….and worse, I blame St Christopher for making me go in again for the win in extra-time…..it was bound to end in tears…and it did…..

My only hope now is a treble which I have running on 3 games tonight…..if that fails….all yesterdays footy profit and some…..will have vanished……….

Bye for now…..hope one of you will put me on your prayer list….

[tophatter]

Happy birthday and 10 hail marys to you for cursing the hoops! :)

[Merlin]

Happy birthday and 10 hail marys to you for cursing the hoops! :)

........St C had the last laugh...they go through on Pens......

[Mug OUFC]

Surely none of this is actually true

[Win2Win]

His mother-in-law is Terry Pratchett :)

[Merlin]

Surely none of this is actually true

Wanna bet....

[Merlin]

THURSDAY 30th August @ 9.50am

Psychologically speaking, its extremely beneficial to be able to take advantage of different time zones.

Because I can declare with absolute and total honesty that I have
commenced today on a winning note – with one of my local teams , Sport winning 2-0 @ 3.45am UK time….

This puts me 5 POINTS in front…which you must admit is a delicious start to a mundane Thursday…

Talking about the mundane – well, quite the opposite to be frank.

What does the word ¨celebration¨ mean to you?

I found a good definition, come description of what it means to me…

¨ the festivities engaged in to celebrate something¨

Whenever I defeat the bookie I always celebrate – in fact my celebration is almost ritualistic, bordering on an obsessive compulsion

When they win, some people pop the champagne whilst others treat
themselves to something…I suppose my winning ritual falls into the latter category.

Let me explain….whenever I win , I always masturbate

It follows clearly what I was doing at 3.45am this morning...no worries - no problem.....a celebration at home, in privacy, is quite acceptable......

I am however extremely worried about this evening (will be afternoon for me).....Besides laying from 2.00 to 4.00 today, in the privacy of my own home/office.....What is really stressing me is the overwhelming compulsion I will feel at 5.30pm local time should today`s main bet win, ie: Dundalk to beat Wexford Youths...

At this time, I will be in the midst of a meeting discussing promiscuity and sexual abuse in the community.............

How on earth am I going to resist the impossible urge to check live score dot com? - moreover....if the result is a positve one....You may not hear from me for a very. very long time.....

I am half hoping my bet loses........

[Mug OUFC]

[Merlin]

YOU ONLY SING WHEN YOUR ROWING
YOU ONLY SING WHEN YOUR ROWING
SING WHEN YOUR ROWING,
YOU ONLY SING WHEN YOUR ROOWWIINNGG….

[Win2Win]

whenever I win , I always masturbate

I thought it was just me that done that.....

[Mug OUFC]

The really amazing thing is that I trust my own money in this mans gambling advice

[Merlin]

The really amazing thing is that I trust my own money in this mans gambling advice

…..you better start a diary, too, then….

[Mug OUFC]

You know and I know I cant compete with mentalism like this merl :D

[tophatter]

Ive gone right off those little chocolate minature chocolate bars you can buy now Ive heard Merlins interpertation of a celebration!